Mean Girls (and boys!)

Why are kids so mean? I'm not sure I remember such meanness when I was growing up. I got picked on, sometimes in fun, sometimes not, but it didn't seem like it was as consistent as it is today. I'm not sure it permanently damaged me, but then I guess you would have to talk to my husband or kids to find that out.

This week, I found out that my beautiful daughter, Amie, gets picked on daily. There are a few girls at school that have made it their goal in life to make my daughter miserable and make her feel like she is a misfit. Yes, there has been the occasional boy that has taken shots at her as well. Just a few weeks ago a young man decided he was not happy with her and grabbed her around the neck and started to choke her. Thank God one of her friends was there and was able to get the guy off of her! But it seems like the girls have it out for her more. She told me that she is told daily that she is ugly, that she doesn't fit in. There are rumors started about her that are untrue, she gets things stolen from her, she gets slapped, and much more. At first, I thought maybe she is doing something that attracts all this attention, or maybe she is reacting in a way that makes it fun for them to pick on her. I decided to talk to a few other moms of teens and see if I was the only one dealing with this. Alas! I am not. It seems like everyone elses kid gets picked on too. I can't even print some of the stories I have heard. From getting knives pulled on them, to getting stuffed in trash cans.....these poor kids are having to live their lives in fear! Amie hates to go to school, and now I see why. She tells me about how many of the kids treat the teachers and other students. I'm not sure I could handle living in her world!

We have tried to figure this out for a while now. But this latest thing is really taking its toll on her. Because she is listening to the things being said about her, she is beginning to think she really is ugly! She has decided that the way to deal with this is to make herself look like those that are picking on her and just try to blend into the woodwork. She is talking make up, hair extensions, hair color, etc. Anything she can do that would make her fit in. As a mom, it's heartbreaking. Will she take up smoking, try drugs, or change the way she speaks, or the way she acts and treats others just to fit in? When she was little, I could fix most things that were wrong. Now that she is 15, she is tackling grown up issues, most of which she will have to learn to deal with on her own. As I am digging into the archives of my life for any information and ammunition to give her to cope, I am realizing that she is learning and dealing with the very same things that we do on a daily basis.

Yes, these are truly grown up issues. We think that it is a teen thing and that they are all acting like babies. However, when you really think about it, we all have our times and places that we want to fit in and be like every one else. Think about it....our hair, our styles, places we shop and hang out, influences that we listen and adhere to are all pretty much the same things our teens are dealing with. How are we handling these things? Is Amie watching the way I interact with life and react to situations and mirroring my actions?

If I were in her situation, what would my reactions be? How would I feel if everyone told me I was ugly on a daily basis? Would I want to run away, conform, or fight back? But wait, that is happening in my world! I constantly hear that I should look younger, that it is a shame to grow old. How do I react to that? I wash the grey out of my hair, I look for products that will reduce the wrinkles I have earned, I try to wear clothing that doesn't date me, I hang out with people that are "hip" and younger so I feel younger. Does that sound familiar? I'm also told that I should have certain things that make me cool. So, I buy things I don't need, with money I don't have, to impress people I don't even like! How does this make me any different than my daughter? If I am listening to the world and letting it form who I am, how is she supposed to learn to be herself? I'm not really talking hair and makeup. I'm talking attitude and self worth, knowing who you are and being comfortable in your own skin regardless of what anyone else says about you or to you. You know, the skin God gave you! Whether it is brown, white, yellow or green, it's yours. God made you who you are.

I think that what I have to remember and teach my daughter is that we are NOT supposed to be like the rest of the world. We are supposed to be set apart. If that means our attitude is different, or the way we dress is different, or how we talk or look at situations is different, SO BE IT! We are different! We are supposed to be who God created us to be, NOT who are friends or family are telling us we should be. If we were all a bunch of clones, how boring and empty life would be.

The bottom line: We are not the only ones that feels these pressures on a daily basis. How we live is many times how our children live and deal with their pressures. And though we can't fix it for them and make everyone play nice, we can be an example of how to play with the rest of the world. And, when we play by God's rules, we always win!